All the worlds problems ... there ... I fixed it

As engineers, we are problem solvers. The best of us generalise the problem, simplify it and attempt to find the root cause of the problem. Fixing the root cause is the right solution, any other is simply duct tape. Through the pragmatic eyes of an engineer, I will attempt to look at all the problems facing mankind, look at the underlying cause and offer a solution.

Climate change

Since we first harnessed the exothermic reaction known as fire for warmth, cooking and so we could more conveniently light his own farts, we have been turning solid matter into a gaseous form. We have become truly excellent at it, going as far as boiling a kettle above it to generate steam, turning a turbine which turns some wires past a magnet to create electricity. Even taking some long dead compressed animals we found underground and burning those to turn insanely machined motors known as combustion engines. We have even learnt to turn sugar and other vegetable crops into alcohol, and when we don't drink it, we burn it. All very clever for bunch of monkeys.

Here is the problem, carbon as a solid is just fine, makes for great pencil material and lubricant called graphite, dazzles females with a sparkly shine in the form of diamond, but when combined with oxygen to form a gas it makes for one hell of a good insulator. A simple look at our sister planet, Venus, will tell you that you don't want too much carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. While our sister sits substantially closer to the sun and basks in a balmy 460 Celsius during the day, that wonderfully thick 96% carbon dioxide atmosphere traps heat over night and you might have trouble sleeping due to the 460 Celsius evenings. I for one have trouble when it gets over 35, probably won't enjoy the 50 degree days we should expect if we keep pumping out gaseous forms of carbon from burning both renewable and non renewable resources.

Solution to climate change: Stop burning shit, problem solved.

Over population

We all come from the same place. At some point in time, a sperm and egg got together and did some genetic swapping and a few cells decided to split. We spent 9 months or so enjoying the pleasures of life, warm and getting food from a tube. Hell, we didn't even have to chew, it was piped directly in. At some point we decided it was a good idea to come out into the world, a decision we possibly regret as all of a sudden we no longer got free food on request, it was cold and there were a lot more of these strange monkeys everywhere.

The act of creation is fairly simple, nothing much too it and most people seem to do it even if they can't do much else. I would say the act of doing it is rather fun, perhaps why it is done so often. But the act need not lead to breeding, contraceptives came about to help with that one.

Solution to over population: Stop breeding, problem solved.

Marriage equality

Seems a bit of a Western issue at the moment with the want for Gay couples to be able to marry. It saddens me to say that here in Australia that we were beaten by our friendly rivals over in New Zealand to legalising this one. I even dare to mention that the French beat us to it. How backward of a country do I live in?

Marriage was once a grand way to make a profit out of having male children, you could marry them off and acquire further lands and titles for your name. Should you have had the disappointment of having daughters, you could marry them off for a cost so someone else could deal with them. How very nepotistic and rather ... backwards. It was later, thanks to Jane Austin, that we seemed to think this whole business deal had anything to do with love. Love was what you had with your mistress, not your wife.

In the modern world there are legal and social implications for a couple to be married. To begin with, you have the advantage of having someone hold the match to light your farts but it also affords certain securities to your partner should anything happen to you. This seems only fair that be afforded across the board. Failing that I have only one solution.

Solution to marriage equality: Abolish marriage all together, problem solved.

Religious conflicts

Shortly after we learnt the finer arts of lighting one's farts, we decided to start blaming and praising the results of things on invisible friends. It is part of our make up to question, ponder and look for meaning in what could simply be a purely meaningless affair. But as like anything we do, we take it to extremes, banding together under some banner and claim that another persons beliefs are wrong and ours are right, which of course they are because we know best.

Most of us, regardless of what we believe, play nicely with others. But as a general rule of thumb, 5% of any population, regardless of race, religion, nationality, eye colour or how good they are at lighting our own farts, are dickheads. A very simple fact we face daily. Sometimes we let those 5% have a voice which is louder than most, they rally together other like minds and without too much thought, suddenly we are rallying to someone's nut bag cause or another, often under the guise that "our sun god" is better than their "sun god". We end up doing the most revolting things to each other in the name of some imagined super powerful being or another, when the reality is it is probably more about the want of land and resources ... and some more of that dead compressed animal that we can burn. We do tend to be selfish creatures, let us not hide under the light of some false god.

Solution to religious conflicts: Abolish all religions, problem solved.

Increasing divide between rich and poor

After we had burnt all the hair off our arses from lighting farts, we needed to cover up. Some of use were better at catching animals and borrowing their fur coats. Sadly, the borrowing processes usually lead to the death of the poor animal. However, what did result was some of us monkeys with more than they needed of one resource. Those monkeys would trade their fur coats for another resource. Now occasionally, the "5%" rule would kick in and we would simply beat the other monkey over the head and take what we wanted, something which still seems to happen, but generally we were civil about it and we created economics.

Trade of goods was great but not very portable. It is hard to carry around 7 woolly mammoth coats in your back pocket, so we created an abstract device known as money, an in between transfer item which you could use to trade for good and services and in turn, the seller could use this for other goods and services. A fine plan, but a fatal flaw evolved, when one has little of this money stuff, one finds it hard to get more of it. When one starts with a lot of it due to the hard workings of an ancestor, one continues to make more of it of the coat tails of their parents and grand parents. This money contraption works brilliantly for not only buying fur coats for your hairless arse, but in influencing others into doing things for you so that you can gain more of this money. This abstract trade device solved an initial problem but has lead to far more problems as fewer and fewer control most it. We bow down to are new feudalistic lords because they have pieces of paper, which seems rather ridiculous.

Solution to stopping the increase divide between rich and poor: Abolish money, problem solved.

All the worlds problems

I have barely scratched the surface of the problems facing humanity, but the solutions I offer are nothing but duct tape really. Let us look at a few other problems, and while entangled in a few of the problems I have raised, they can stand on their own: war, famines, dictatorships, murders, rapes, pediphelia, animal cruelty, sex slaves, child exploitation ... I could go on and on. Now back up and look at each of them, look at the root cause of all of them. Look at the one common component of each of them. The one common component is people, they are involved in every problem on this planet. So there we have the solution.

Solution to all the worlds problems: Get rid of people, problem solved.

Solution too harsh?

Found the end resulting analysis too harsh? In 1000 years time I highly suspect that there will be a rock, third from the light of Sol, floating around in orbit. What is on it is completely debatable, whether or not our race is still on it in some form is highly debatable. Perhaps you and I, both world citizens should realise that all the problems in the world are our fault. We should grow up past this toddler phase of our growth, think beyond the next few minutes, hours or years and really think long term. Let us look at each of the problems through educated eyes of intellect, not tied to archaic beliefs and practices. Yes, they got us here, they worked well as a survival mechanism, but in the end, I suspect they will be our undoing. I for one hope that in 1000 years time that this planet is not devoid of us and that is still possible that several friends are sitting around laughing righteously as another human runs around with his pants around ankles, clutching his first degree burnt arse, for this may turn out to be the meaning of life.